A fool’s hope …

” There never was much hope, he answered. Just a fool’s hope, as I have been told. ”

– J.R.R. Tolkien – Lord Of The Rings

Today was the day my fool’s hope faded into nothingness.

I mentioned in my post from yesterday that about a year and a half ago, my 15 year-long marriage crashed. We have remained friends, with me having the hope that we somehow would be able to work out things between us and start over.

Today, I discovered something that made me realise that my hope only was a fool’s hope.

My battle isn’t as clear cut as Pippin’s forthcoming battle, but it will be a battle nonetheless. I can relate to how he must be feeling in this moment.

I won’t get into what exactly what it was that I discovered, it isn’t important to anyone else than me. I will, however, say that what it was made me understand that there is probably no chance of getting things worked out. It is finished. And it hurts. And I don’t mean that figuratively. It literally feels like a beating, like being punched repeatedly in the stomach… It feels like my heart was ripped out and broken into a million pieces.

Oh well, I guess I should just “shake it off” and continue with my life… As if that is as easy as snapping your fingers.

Harsh truth; It isn’t. It takes time.

No, I am not looking for pity from anyone. And yes I know I am not the only one, or the first one or even the last one to experience something like this. It happens every fucking day to someone who didn’t look for it. But it doesn’t make the pain any less real, not for me nor for whomever else this happens to. It is devastating. It is painful. It is horrible and fucking disturbing. But it happens. And we generally survive, broken and hurt but in the end, it heals. It leaves scars and marks on our souls, but that is an unfortunate consequence of being alive. All we can do is to do our best to rise up from the ashes like the Phoenix, and start over. Learn from the experience, as painful as it might have been, and strive to not make the same mistakes again. It isn’t easy, that is the only thing I can guarantee you. If it is easy, it wasn’t love to begin with.

PS: Sorry for the slightly inappropriate language in the paragraph above. I generally try to avoid using profanities when I write, but this time I felt it was appropriate.

PPS: Also sorry for posting this kind of depressing content. However, I need some way to vent, and if you don’t like reading stuff like this, keep in mind that nobody forced you. At least I didn’t.

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