Not that I really know what a typical update is on this blog anyway.
Well, what’s up? I am a bit depressed today. I don’t really know what is going on, but I do know I have “the blues”. I’m not by any stretch as bad as I was only a year ago, but I am not where I would like to be.
Depression. That is my monster. I have had it as long as I can remember, at least since in my late teens or early twenties, possibly much longer.
However, I did not know what it was, not until fairly recently. I am 3 months and change from being 45, separated with no clear hope, or whatever I should call it, of fixing my marriage. Depression destroyed my marriage, not all at once, but little by little, over many years it was picked apart and disassembled, together with my mental health. I got increasingly delusional, paranoid, anxious and as a result, I did some fairly “out there” things, and the strange thing is that in my mind it all made sense. Of course, in the real world, it didn’t. It was far out crazy. I won’t get into what these things were, because quite frankly I am ashamed of it today, and some of these things aren’t for the public eye to know. I am still struggling with what I can best describe as aftereffects of this. Certain parts of my psyche are, possibly irreversibly, screwed up. And this makes me sad. Not depressed sad, but emotionally sad, which paradoxically is a good thing.
Depression, at least in my case, took away my emotions. It picked them apart, both good and bad ones, and invalidated them. If there was something to feel happy about, my depression deconstructed it and made it meaningless. If there was something to feel sad about, the same thing happened.
Just to let you know; I’m better now. I am on medication, I am working out, and I am trying to keep my mind active and do productive stuff. It is not easy, because honestly, I think my mind was so far gone that coming back to reality is very hard. To think in rational terms is difficult.
I am not looking for pity from anyone. I am just trying to describe what a serious depression can do to a person … It can turn your mind inside-out and fuck up your life. And if you, like I was, are oblivious to the fact that there is in fact something wrong with you, this sickness will sneak in and take control over your life in ways you can’t even imagine. It is a dangerous and deadly sickness.
If you have depression, or you know someone who does, please, I beg of you, seek aid!